September 29th, 2014
Sometimes well-meaning friends and people tell me that I need to think less of myself and focus only on Spider, that he is the one who is dying and how I need to make life good for him, that I need to be strong and the two of us should just be relaxing and enjoying life and living in the moment, but that is easy for them to say. Of course, I focus on Spider and of course I’m trying to do everything I can to make our lives happy and fulfilling with the time we have (how ever long that is). The truth is that about 90% of the time, all I do is think of Spider. Spider is my partner and my lover and my man. He means everything to me, however it isn’t always easy to go through what we are going through and put a happy face on things. God knows I try, and most of the time I do a pretty damn good job of it , but I am only human and sometimes the stress is too much for me and sometimes it can be very difficult to keep all the stress buried inside. When I think of everything we have been through since last November, I’m actually amazed that I haven’t just started screaming like a madman or crying uncontrollably, but I don’t. I just keep pushing all the shit to the back of my mind, holding all the stress in my gut. Yes, Spider is still here and we still have each other and we’re living in the moment, but sometimes, often the moment is not pleasant. Sometimes the moment is like a nightmare that I can’t get out of. The stress of knowing that Spider has terminal cancer, the stress of all the doctor appointments and trying to keep track of all the different doctors, the stress of all the misinformation we’ve had to deal with (like doctors telling us that Spider could get a transplant when that wasn’t the truth), the stress of thinking about all the tumors growing inside of Spider, the stress of the hideous and painful procedures that Spider has had to undergo, the stress of Spider being in pain or vomiting uncontrollably and feeling helpless to help ease his discomfort, the stress of juggling endless doctor bills and worrying about money, the stress of having to complete mountains and mountains of stupid paperwork just so Spider can be on disability (paperwork that is still not entirely complete because it still keeps coming), the stress of having to figure out all of our finances because the state of Arizona does not recognize us as a legal couple, the stress of having to transfer everything over into my name, the stress of having to downsize and move into a new place while under the gun, the stress of the actual moving, the stress of trying to quickly fix and repair things in the new house so it is liveable, the stress of having to sell off two-thirds of our possessions and treasures at a great loss, the stress of trying to get the old house up for sale (a house that has some major issues), the stress of watching Spider lose weight and turn into a skeleton, the stress of realizing that Spider can no longer take long walks with me and Frappy like we used to, the stress of Spider having chemo brain (and how sometimes he can’t focus on things clearly), the stress of laying in bed at night unable to sleep while listening to Spider moan in his sleep, the stress of trying to be there not only for Spider, but also for our friends and their lives and their problems, the stress of wanting to phone friends and dump and cry on their shoulders constantly but not wanting to come off like a drama queen or a Debbie downer, the stress of Spider’s sister turning against us because she doesn’t like what I write in this blog, the stress of having to quickly learn how to maintain a house and car on my own, the stress not knowing how much time that Spider and I have left together, the stress of trying to not let Spider see how freaked out I am, the stress of knowing how worried Spider is about me, the stress of watching Spider slip away from me little by little in little ways, the stress of wondering how I’m going to live in a world without my partner of the last nearly 43 years, all of this stress on top of more stress, and I hold most of it inside on a daily basis. Like I said, I am being strong, as strong as I possibly can be considering I’m not the most stable person to begin with, but sometimes it is all just too much for me. How I wish that Spider and I could truly relax and enjoy live to the fullest. We keep trying and maybe we will get there, but right now it isn’t as easy as people suggest. Forgive me if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, but try to be in my shoes for just one day.